I went and saw my surgeon yesterday and had an exam done. Overall it went pretty well I suppose. The doc did an x-ray of my chest to see the size of my lungs and then she did a blood test to see the blood levels in my liver. Apparently, the blood test of the liver usually doesn't yield many results, but it should be done anyway because it's the best option we have for testing right now.
The one downer of the appointment was when we were discussing my future. I inquired about how cautious I need to be and if I need to be this cautious for the rest of my life. She said I am a lot more likely to have the cancer come back in my 40s or 50s than I am now. But if I continue to be as careful as I have been....then there is a possibility we can beat that chance.
So that wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear.. but I'll take what I can get I suppose.
Also, this past weekend I did my first ACS volunteer event in the community (with the exception of Relay for Life.) It was quite different than I had expected. I was under the impression I'd be dealing closely with a lot of cancer survivors or patients... whereas I was the only one and I was mainly being representative. So in that aspect I was a bit embarrassed. I don't pass judgement on others who have endured the ups and downs of the disease...but I hold a completely different standard for myself. I suppose my distorted body image post treatment has a lot to do with it, but I'm just very ashamed. I know I know... it sounds ridiculous, but the truth often does. Anyways, next up is Relay for life in about three weeks and I'm soo excited for that. Last year we got rained out and shut down early. But this year you can count on me walkin all night baby!! ;)
As always... thanks for listening. You guys are great!
This past week I've been reflecting back on my life and trying to work through emotions I've repressed for so long. In doing so, I was thinking about my life before my diagnosis, and my perception on death then. At that time I didn't have a care in the world. I was habitually using drugs, allowing men to disrespect my body, and dismissing all help that was offered to me. I hated who I was... the way I looked, the way I felt, and the mistakes I'd made. I was living day to day with a death wish upon my shoulders. Long story short, I had a suicide attempt and ended up being in critical condition. But God wasn't ready to let me go. I ended up pulling through and now I have 2 1/2 years of sobriety under my belt.
Anyway, when I was diagnosed with Cancer.... my entire life was put into perspective. The things that troubled me before, were now ludicrous and small. I remember being so angry at the uncertainty of the entire situation, and especially the unforeseeable fate of my future. I just wanted to know if I was going to die or not. And if not, then I could deal emotionally with the treatment and recovery... because in the back of my head I would know I was going to be okay. I actually remember thinking to myself, "God, if I'm going to die from this.. then just let me die already."
Now, I'm approaching my first year of remission, and I no longer find myself wishing for death... but rather I'm terrified of it. My primary concern isn't the cancer coming back, but it's this constant fear of dying. I still don't know my purpose in life (and I may never know), but now that I'm sober and I've got myself together... I know my life is worth SOMETHING!! And the thought of losing everything after I've worked so hard to get to this point... well it scares the hell out of me.
With all that being said, I want to leave you with a quote that I find appropriate...
Happiness is a journey, not a destination. For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. This perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one."
This afternoon I witnessed one of the most upsetting things. I was speaking to a coworker (who has been batteling cancer for 1 year) about the upcoming Relay for Life event in my community. I was sharing with her how powerful it is to do the survivor walk and be surrounded by so many people who have experienced it, and lived to tell their story. I asked her if she would be interested in coming and doing the walk as well as engaging in the nights festivities. She looked at me and responded with this thought
"Laura, I would love to go, but I'm not a survivor. I truely believe my disease will kill me... it's just a matter of when."
During the entire conversation I was just sitting there all jittery in my seat, because it was so hard for me to swallow.
I remember thinking I was going to die...when the doctor told me I was in Stage Four. But to hear it from someone else...someone who has lost all hope in doctors, God, and herself... just breaks my heart. I know some of you are going through treatment right now, but I just pray that each and everyone of you doesn't give up. I know it's so much easier said than it is done... but you must try. For there is no chance in miracles of survival if you don't believe in them yourself.
With all that being said, I leave you with these great words of Winston Churchill, "If you're going through hell, KEEP GOING!
Well, I did something this weekend that was a bit of a step for me. While shopping on Saturday afternoon, I bought a bathing suit. After my surgeries, I threw out all my old bikinis because I was to ashamed to expose my scars to the world, or to show the vulnerability that dwelled within me. Going along with that, I quit swimming which is something I really loved to do.
Anyways, I'm not really sure what came over me that prompted me to purchase a suit again. Perhaps it's the invitation from a new friend to go boating, or his acceptance of me, my scars, and my past mistakes. Or perhaps it's a result of the dealing and grieving I've recently started doing involving my disease and recovery. I'm not really sure of the reasons behind it all... but then again maybe that's the beauty of it. I suppose the saying "Let go and let God" really rings true at this moment in my life. And that is precisely what I will do.
Well this evening I found out an old friend is going through chemotherapy treatment for Acute Leukemia. I moved away years ago, and I haven't spoken to him since. It's definitely hard to swallow, because I know him as this happy, carefree, christian... and I can't imagine how his personality is now while going through this. Last I heard, the treatments weren't progressing as fast as they had hoped. So I'm asking that you please include him in your prayers and thoughts. I would sincerely appreciate it, and I know he would as well. His name is Trent Silver and he's 19 years old.
