As tomorrow approaches, I have feelings of anxiety as well as profound strength. It's hard to believe that just three years ago tomorrow, I took my last trip on drugs. As a recovering addict now looking back, the memories I have of using are those that you see in a movie and know are fictional. Atleast that's how I feel. You see, everyone has to hit rock bottom in any situation, before they can make a lasting commitment to change. This is true for alcoholics, drug addicts, gamblers, and sexaholics. The Webster Dictionary definition defines 'rock bottom' as "the lowest possible level or absolute bottom." For some rock bottom is overdosing, being incarcerated, loss of control, or sadly enough, death. For me, the moment was when I heard those three hollow words, "you have cancer." Every now and then when I attend a meeting, fellow addicts ask me, "what keeps you sober!" And the answer has always been simple... cancer. As I've stated before, I was only physically sober from drugs prior to my diagnosis. In my heart and mind, I knew I'd use again... because that's what I desired. But after the doctor gave me my diagnosis, the mental need and attraction to use, was no longer there. I hated the person I was as a strung out girl.
My drug counselor used to say the difference between drug addicts and people who use in social situations, is that the drug addicts have this switch that is turned off. They crave the euphoria and in their minds they have no limits. Once addicts get high, it's never enough. You are never satisfied. However, when I was diagnosed with cancer... that switch turned on with brilliant force, and is still on to this day... three years later as of 8/22/08. I will forever hate the scars on my legs from the treatments, but I will also be forever grateful for my diagnosis and the new path it has led me to travel. The sober path. The honest path. And the path of self respect.
I would like to close this post with a smal excerpt from a poem. It reads like this:
" I believe that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but, we are responsible for who become."
SO thank you cancer, for helping me be the person I am today, and helping me stay that person.
This morning I had my quarterly skin exam. It's hard to believe 3 months have already past since my last visit. Anyways, everything checked out real well... which I was surprised about. I prepared myself for the worst (as always,) but especially since at one of my previous visits I had a pre-melanoma sighted and removed. But all is well on my body. This was my first visit with my new dermetologist, and I really like her. It's so important to have a doctor in which you trust, and I have trust in her. Whereas my previous doctor wasn't thorough enough in select areas on my body (aka my breasts,) and I just didn't like his attitude towards my recovery. So long story short, my health is good, my doctor's good, and I guess I can construe that my life is good.
So anyways, as I said.. this post has really no point other than wanting to write something uplifting... especially since a lot of the posts on here often don't have good news. So lets switch it up a bit, shall we? :o)
After reading the above news article, I was very angered by the immoral and absurd acts of the mother. But in addition to my evolving anger, I also am experiencing another emotion... thankfulness. I think we as victims of this plaguing disease, place expectations on doctors, parents, and friends to care for us during our sick times. By law, doctors are required to give us the medical services in which we are paying them for. Our parents however, are not. They are not rewarded with a 6 figure check for the endearment they provide us. We are their reward, and we are their paycheck. Let that really sink in... We are their reward, and we are their paycheck.
I recall many instances while I was sick , in which I loafed around with a cloud of self pity hanging over me. But after having read this news article, I have a new understanding for the many blessings God has bestowed upon me... one of which is wonderful parents. Because all that they do for me, in sickness and now in remission... is a chosen act. And I am thankful for the choices they have made around my treatment and my recovery, and that they have chosen to help.
So with that being said, I challenge each and everyone of you to acknowledge the blessings you have, because it's a lot more than most.
And remember, YOU are your caregiver's reward, you are their paycheck!
Upon entering Blockbuster yesterday, I came across several movies that sparked my interest. But there is one in particular, that appeared to be more prominent over the others. Generally I am completely biased against movies about Cancer, but for whatever reason I decided to put my problems aside and rent this one. To make it a long story short, the movie was phenomenal. "Bucket List" demonstrates true growth and discovery in the life of a cancer patient. The story line was quite gripping for me, as I'm sure it would be for the rest of you.
You see, I jump back and forth between being grateful for my disease, and despising it with every bone in my body. There's a large part of me that can only dream of what it would be like to have a life free of cancer and live as a normal 'kid'. There's another part of me though that is thankful for the doors that it has closed and the doors it has opened, as well as the relationships I have built with you. But each day is different, and despite the fact that I'm in remission... Cancer still rules over me and controls my perceptions/feelings on suffering and on living. The honorable author C.S. Lewis once said, "We read to know we're not alone." I found this statement to be true for movies as well last night , after having watched the "Bucket List." And that is the truth in why I rented that particular movie. Not for the pleasure of watching it, or my appreciation for Jack Nicholson's smart-ass personality... but it was merely to know I wasn't alone. Afterall isn't that the reason we are all members of Life Linkage? Isn't that the reason we post the details of our battles, medical updates, and emotional progresses day in and day out? I believe so ladies and gentlemen. So blessed be the tide that binds.
Relay for life is next weekend in my area, and I've been in the process of forming a team. One of the ladies I asked to join me, is dying of cancer... it's just a matter of when. She's going through another one of her many rounds of chemo, and physically she just isn't up to walking at the Relay....which is understandable. Anyway, our paths crossed this morning, and we spoke for a few minutes. She told me that while she was at the hospital yesterday getting her chemo, she bought three luminaries... one of which was for me. I stood there emotionally touched and in awe of her. Afterall, here is a lady whose days are numbered, and yet she still has the strength to support other survivors of the disease that is killing her. I admire that she possesses good spirit and strength, despite the fact that her world is crashing down around her.
With that being said, I've always viewed cancer as something that tears people apart. It affects your family, friends, hopes, and dreams. But this morning, I saw it in a new light. A light in which it has provoked a new passion in me for living, a reason to stay sober, and a reason to celebrate each day. In addition, it has introduced me to each and everyone of your warm souls, as well as that of many others.
So today I find myself thankful. Thankful for my fight, and thankful to have conquered the 'enemy.'
As always, I wish you all the best and send my love. May you have a blessed day and a great weekend.
"Life is just a minute only sixty seconds in it, forced upon you, can‘t refuse it.
Didn‘t seek it, didn‘t choose it, but It‘s up to you to use it.
You must suffer if you lose it, give an account if you abuse it, just a tiny
little minute... but eternity is in it." - Dr. Benjamin E. Mays
