This past week I've been reflecting back on my life and trying to work through emotions I've repressed for so long.  In doing so, I was thinking about my life before my diagnosis, and my perception on death then.  At that time I didn't have a care in the world.  I was habitually using drugs, allowing men to disrespect my body, and dismissing all help that was offered to me.  I hated who I was... the way I looked, the way I felt, and the mistakes I'd made.  I was living day to day with a death wish upon my shoulders.  Long story short, I had a suicide attempt and ended up being in critical condition.  But God wasn't ready to let me go.  I ended up pulling through and now I have 2 1/2 years of sobriety under my belt. 

Anyway, when I was diagnosed with Cancer.... my entire life was put into perspective.  The things that troubled me before, were now ludicrous and small.  I remember being so angry at the uncertainty of the entire situation, and especially the unforeseeable fate of my future.  I just wanted to know if I was going to die or not.  And if not, then I could deal emotionally with the treatment and recovery... because in the back of my head I would know I was going to be okay.  I actually remember thinking to myself, "God, if I'm going to die from this.. then just let me die already." 

Now, I'm approaching my first year of remission, and I no longer find myself wishing for death... but rather I'm terrified of it.  My primary concern isn't the cancer coming back,  but it's this constant fear of dying.  I still don't know my purpose in life (and I may never know), but now that I'm sober and I've got myself together... I know my life is worth SOMETHING!! And the thought of losing everything after I've worked so hard to get to this point... well it scares the hell out of me. 

With all that being said, I want to leave you with a quote that I find appropriate...

Happiness is a journey, not a destination. For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. This perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one."

~ Souza

 Adios amigos, God bless you all!