I have always been a person to shy away from the fires burning inside me, both in the past and in the present.  In our society, many of us have grown up this way... to fear pain, to fear loss, to fear feeling. 

There are days when I accept this disease for what it is, and what it has done to/for me... and then there are other days in which I carry myself about- as if there never was such a diagnosis given to me.  It is those instances in my daily life in which I am forced to confront my supressed emotions as well as reality.  Because even though I am healthy today, I am breathing today.... others are not.  God gave me the opportunity to overcome this drowning disease we call "Cancer," but he did not give others that chance. 

I spent the other night with a friend, whom lost his mother to Cancer in 2003.  This is a young man who sat there calm and collected, as I emotionally fell apart at the finality of his situation.  His mother won't ever hold her grandchildren, see her children get married, or watch her youngest graduate from the Army National Guard.

It is situations like this, in which I sit back in disbelief.  Here is a young man, who lost his mother to this damn disease, and I'm the one coming unglued!?  It makes me angry to see him and others who can accept how Cancer has effected and/or ruined their life... and yet here I am 2 years into remission, and still fighting myself and God for the reasons behind it all.  I am at a constant stalemate battle to learn and understand the purpose of my survival.  As much as I hate to say this, I want to accept these scars on my body, and the pain in my heart... I want to be free from this diagnosis that has burdened me for years.  As angry as I am at those who can move on and accept what is, I envy the strength and the courage within them to do so.  I want to forgive God, forgive my doctors for not seeing this earlier, and most importantly I want to forgive myself.  I know this unfortunate label wasn't something I earned, but I still can't help looking at my scars in disgust.   I want to do better, and I want to be better, but I don't know how to get out from under this barrier Cancer has bestowed upon me.  So I ask: how do you?

As always, I would like to share a quote:

"What we actually learn, from any given set of circumstances, determines whether we become increasingly powerless... or more powerful."

-Blaine Lee

So heres to you, the powerful... I admire your strength to overcome.

All,

I'm sorry for my vacancy on Lifelinkage the past couple months.  I suppose I let myself get wrapped up in all of the stressors of my daily routines, when I should have continued to take advantage of my support- you guys.  I hope everyone is doing well and that I hear nothing but good reports.

Relay for Life is coming up in a couple weeks, and I'm getting very excited.  I've sold quite a few shirts this year, and have really dedicated myself more this time, than I have for past events.  I'm not sure the reason behind this sudden drive, but I'm just rolling with it.

As for my cancer news, I have none! :) I'm rapidly approaching my 2 year remission date in which I'll go through the regular routine of a chest exam and blood work that will count the white and red blood cells in my liver.  I have a few concerns, as my surgical site has really been bothering me lately, but hopefully I'm just being over dramatic and it's nothing to worry about.  I will let you folks know once I know something though.

And a special thanks to Preston for checking in on me. :)  Take care guys, and I'll be in touch.